Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Hyphenting Hiney Hole

I like to look on People's website when I'm needing a few minutes away from my high-stress, high-importance, high-responsibility job. We all need to find a happy place, right? Well, I know that looking at mags sometimes makes me cry on the inside. Sometimes they make me cry on the outside. I try not to look at the skinny little starlets when I'm feeling fluffy. And truly, I'm getting to a place where I'm happy with the way I am....or at least that statement is true for more days out of the month than in years gone by.


When I look at the website or magazine, it is to glory in the fact that everyone looks puffy two days after giving birth or some other such nonsense. I like to look at the Oscar dresses or see the pictures of the new starlet babies. I love wedding pictures of anybody, famous or not. provides me with gossip fodder and eye candy. There is no nutritional value; just entertainment.

I logged on today because I wasn't quite ready to start writing on my book. I find it hard to write my book while working the desk. It is easy enough to blog, but that just requires me to write about my life. I just retell the events. I don't have to create or plot or discover; I just verbally vomit onto the screen. I neeeeed to work on the book, but writing time stolen from my non-work hours is really hard. Only slightly easier to steal than work-out time. Ahem.

So I arrived at the main page to see if perhaps by some miracle, I could see pictures of Sunday Rose or the Jolie Pitt twins. No such luck, obviously. Instead I saw that Eva Longoria Parker has cut her hair, which is Breaking News. She also, it is reported, is sporting a 'fuller figure'. Well, of course I had to see this! Eva is the eternal twig, only slightly larger than the midget twig twins who like to wear very large coats.

I planned on looking at her poochy belly, perhaps waiting for the afternoon Breaking News that she was expecting quadruplets that she will donate to science.

Instead, I was greeted by this picture:



Surely I had clicked the wrong article? Yes, her hair was indeed shorter, but I didn't care about that. I wanted to see big fatty Eva!

So I read the following tidbits of enlightenment:

The new hair cut, the slightly fuller figure. Eva Longoria Parker is citing her Desperate Housewives character needs as the reason for her new look. According to her personal rep, Eva is reflecting a change in her on-screen character Gabrielle — who goes from her usual sex kitten to an over-worked housewife with kids in season five. "She's making herself look like that as her character has let herself go. Gabrielle has gained weight and cut her hair," Liza Anderson tells PEOPLE of Longoria Parker's character. "She's a worn out mother with two kids." She's also wearing butt pads and a stomach pad to play the part."

Isn't that just AWESOME?!?

In order to be authentic, she had to get an ugly haircut, not wear a bra, and 'let herself go'.

It is rather insulting on several different levels. And those levels are as follows:

1. Eva Longoria Parker has been attributed with a fuller figure. 3 lbs is not a fuller figure; it means she ate a big salad. Fuller figure means that you can't wear your favorite very slimming dark denim Gap jeans that you paid lots of money for. Trust me.

2. Being an overworked housewife means that you have to take the train to Ugly Land. WHAT? OK, somedays I wear a Hanes t-shirt and floppy pants all day because I'm cleaning and cooking and playing with Barbies. When I don't dress for a night out when I'm doing laundry, does this mean that I 'let myself go'? Because if I chose to let myself go anywhere, it wouldn't be to Ugly Land. It would be to a hospital where they give me pretty things in an intravenous bag and let me sleep and watch television. Kidding, of course. I would go to Europe and then check into the hospital. Don't get me wrong; I don't think she looks ugly. Besides the unflattering haircut, which everyone is entitled to every once in awhile. No, she is still pretty. But her idea was that to get into character, she had to 'ugly' herself up.

3. To look like a mother with two kids, she has to gain weight and then wear butt and stomach pads. Ok, quite honestly, she could gain thirty pounds and wear those pads and still be tons smaller than I am. But I take umbrage at the idea. Just because you have kids does NOT mean you get fat. I was this squishable before I had kids, thank you very much. Don't blame them, it isn't their fault.

OK, so those are the main thoughts. I could write about the term 'overworked housewife' being redundant, or the evil message that she is sending to women everywhere that being a mom, regardless of your outside work status, means that you get frazzled.

Why is this an evil message? Because we KNOW that already! We don't watch your shows because we want to be reminded of how hard life can be! I don't want to tune in to see bratty children and a dirty bathroom and a foreign stain that won't come out of the couch! I can look around my own life and see plenty of it! It is just HATEFUL to lure some poor unsuspecting woman to watch your show with promises of pretty men and pretty dresses and last minute trips to Greece. Apparently, she will instead be met with her own life only with better shoes and it is JUST MEAN and AGAINST THE CODE.

So please, Eva Longoria Parker, tell me why you think that showing all of that on the television while you flit around, bemoaning that you can't go out and play with your posh little friends, will make me feel happy towards you? You aren't one of us, so wearing a butt pad and trying to 'fit in' as an overworked mother is not going to make me feel better. Instead, I'm going to look at your skinny legs and hate you because you are thin and rich and you had a professional person decorate your home. You should know better, Eva! You hyphenate your name and everything! I thought we were on the same page.

In the meantime, I'm going to go on another magazine diet. Because I'm taking it all waaaay too personally. Society and Hollywood aren't out to get me. At least, I don't think so. But if they keep pulling this crap about 'fuller figures', I might be out to get them.

I'll start by applying superglue to their butt pads. And then I'll make them watch their own children while making their own dinner on a budget and with three kitchen utensils (including an ice cream scooper) that don't match! THEN you can tell me about feeling overworked and letting yourself go. But wait...there's MORE! You can have your toddler help you with the laundry and fail to notice that she slipped in a new red t-shirt with your white fluffy towels! Yes, the only remaining link to your newly married days are now tinged with pink. HA!

Ok, I could keep going, but I sound insane. Must go check into that hospital.

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