Monday, May 18, 2009


I know it has been awhile, and I probably now only have two readers out there. (Beth, Steph, how are ya?)

Anyways, I could say everything I've been up to to make it sound like I'm too deliciously busy to bother with writing. But whatever I would say would be untrue. I miss writing when I am busy worrying about the ant infestation in my house. I really do. My brain starts to talk in essay form when I don't write often enough, and then people look at me strangely. I really do think that writing, and indeed blogging, is an essential part of my mental stability.

As it has been FOUR WEEKS since you last heard from me, you can infer and concur that it has been about FIVE WEEKS since I had a sane thought.
Well. I decided that to get my feet wet, so to speak, I'd start with a little mental jog. Hopefully at the end of this post I'll have something to write about. And if not, I have plenty of pent up anger towards those wretched ant-demon hybrids that won't stop stalking my box of Honey Bunches of Oats.

I stole this skeleton from Beth McDermott, who is crazy hilarious. If you haven't read her stuff, do it! Her recent post is about being naked in front of neighborhood children.

8 Things that I am Looking forward to:

1. Vacation!

We leave in 22 days, and I think Austin juuust might make it. You'll notice a trend in our vacation habits: (a)early in the year, we have the 'extra' funds to go on a trip. I check websites and brochures and travel engines like MAD for about a week. I know the cost of every bellhop, every taco stand's burrito especial, and every souvenir that can be had in the Anaheim area. I know the prices for each airlines, what each steward(ess) will serve me without a smile, and the pros and cons of flying into the various airports that California has to offer. (b)Well, once this is all on seven pieces of notebook paper, we decide which options work best for our budget. I buy the tickets the next day...hooray! (c)And then, always, always, always, the next week there are budget cuts/increases in premiums/car needs a new heart/etc. We have no idea how we will eat when we get there, but are already paid for! I have to say that it makes me nervous but overall totally glad. Maybe it isn't a vacation curse? I mean, we still get to go! If we waited the extra week, we'd have to be responsible and not book the tickets. I'M LOOKING FORWARD TO VACATION!!!!!

2. Getting my hair did.
(Please don't ruin my love of this grammatically incorrect phrase by pointing out that it is, indeed, incorrect.) Despite my telling Austin to PLEASE not get me anything for Mother's Day because we already (see #1) are going to be short some funds, he made me a lovely meal, let me nap for 20 hours, and gave me a gift certificate to...get my hair did! For all of you who don't live here, I tried to re-blonde my hair. On my own. (I was trying to save money.) So now I can get it fixed AND pretend I'm bourgeois while someone else tends to my needs. Fantastic.

3. Getting to the end of this wretched trimester. Getting to the end of this LAST AND FINAL pregnancy. Getting my belly back to where it belongs. Austin getting surgery. Me getting surgery. (This is a themed answer)


My sister coming for a nice long, lovely visit. I adore my sister, it isn't a secret. It we weren't related, I might stalk her. But not really. I'm going to make her tea six times a day and we'll think about London and plan for our future trips after I win the lottery and free us from the bondage of daily work.

5. Winning the lottery.
I already have the perfect numbers. I wrote them in my phone as a number so I wouldn't forget. What I do keep forgetting is to buy the ticket. Gas stations make me uneasy unless I'm just buying a SoBe, and I only do that when I'm remembering fondly the days of yore when it was really cool to see what words of wisdom were written under the lizard's cap. I might send Austin to get the ticket. Or...if I can remember to take my crazy lady pills, I might go get it myself. And a SoBe.

6. The Death of The Ants.
Ok, we have PAID someone LOTS OF MONEY to make the ants die a painful death. I asked for the guillotine version of pesticide because they are so ruthless and terrible and I hate them and all they stand for. But the ants.are.still.there. I've started really taking it personally that they won't leave. I think someone voodoo pin doll cursed me because they know I'm already sensitive enough about my housekeeping abilities. Adding ants to an already delicate situation is sure to make Tiffany lose her dignity and yell at the nasty creatures and hit them repeatedly with an Ariel barbie doll that for some reason has water inside her thoracic cavity.

7. A-town

Well, this is part of our vacation. Austin grew up in Atascadero and her surrounding areas. I've been there quite a few times now, and have my own friends and things (food) to look forward to. But mostly, I love seeing Austin just be himself. All the pastoring, teaching, being smart and better than me (haha) is of course part of him. But there is something so fantastic about your too-grown up spouse being able to make a sand castle, wear those plaid capris that Nashvillians think are weird, and just relax. Even if you don't live there, there really is no place like home to put the wind back in your sails. A short respite, a moment alone in the wings to breathe and tell yourself that you can keep going. As Flo says, it makes my heart break for him, but in a good way.

8. Sabra's AHA moment when she decides she no longer needs diapers. I'm.Really.Looking.Forward.To.This.

8 Things I Did Yesterday:

1. Yelled creative curse words at the ants in my bathtub.

2. Mentally berated the man at the airport security check for not letting me through due to the metal plate in my head despite that I had appropriate paperwork telling him that I had a metal plate because one night in May I got very dizzy and lightheaded and went to the ER on a hunch only to find that I had a massive brain aneurysm that they fixed just in time for me to take my kids to Disneyland. (I really did actually do this, and then got stressed trying to figure out what I would do if these things happened.

3. Lost my phone due to the 'silence' feature.

4. Ate lunch with friends and wondered why the server had 934 stitches in his forehead that looked as if the kitchen staff applied them only moments before.

5. Watched Sabra expose herself in the church lobby. She does this every week, though it still causes me to sigh and hang my head.

6. Cried because I'm not good at keeping life orderly.

7. Watched a 900 pound woman do arm lifts (on television) with Kristi. Hung head in shame because she died. Laughed because her mother said to the cameras that she took 4 Prozac because 'today is going to be a bad day'. *She* refers to the 900 pound woman, not Kristi.

8. Administered countless amounts of breathing treatments, medicines, and sad clucking noises to my children.

8 Things I Wish I Could Do:

1. Win lottery, pay off my debt, go on fabulous tour of Europe

2. Finish my blasted bloody degree

3. Admit I'm bad at being a housekeeper, and then hire one.

4. Go back in time...just a weeee little bit. That's all I'm saying.

5. Take my kids on a Disney Cruise. Take housekeeper so I don't have to think about washing clothes or packing snacks.

6. Free the world from the injustice of cellulite, library fines, and insurance companies.

7. Fix my friends' problems and then send them on a great vacation. I like vacation.

8. Sell my house, pay off my debt, move to Ireland as planned.

8 Shows I Watch:
Well, I don't watch shows. We aren't home any night of the week that repeats itself the following week. So...I try to catch up via Netflix.

What I do watch is travel videos...lots and lots of travel videos. Yep, I really do.

8 People I’m Tagging:
Well, I hesitate to say this just in case it sounds mean...but I'm only going to read what you say if it is interesting, informative, funny, etc. I just cannot abide short answers with no back story. Unless you catch me on a Monday when I'm chained to the desk for 8 hours, in which case I'll read just about anything except Mark Twain because I really don't care for his writing.


Steph said...

I'm so excited! About the new blog post, and the pregnancy! Most of all that since Beth and I remain loyal readers you will you naming your third born after us... no combining our names into Bethany though. It doesn't count.

Beth McDermott said...

how about 'steth.'
cant wait till you join us in the california sunshine, where everything looks brighter. ;)

Stargazer said...

I am and will forever be a faithful reader, Tiff.