Saturday, July 5, 2008

Bad Luck Charm

I am superstitious.

I try to squash those tendencies, but they always come back stronger than ever. Much like the creepy lettuce/weed hybrids in my yard, the superstitious nature I try to ignore grows quickly and without coaxing. One minute I have plucked that nonsense out of my life, and the next moment I have a full fledged head of scary lettuce that threatens to eat the pretty daisies.

I imagine that it comes from the Irishness of my roots. Something about Druids and shamrocks and kissing an old stone seem to make sense. And any good Irish momma will tell you that if you don't eat three pounds of potatoes a day, the faeries will come and take you away while you sleep. At least...the Irish mommas in my family would say something like that. Perhaps it has nothing to do with the genes; perhaps my ancestors are just insane.

Another big part of my superstition stems from track record. As a mix of Irish, Native American, and Pentecostal (it really should be its own ethnicity) I have what other people would call a gift.

As in, 'Little Bobby Joe isn't weird, he is special. He has gifts..."

Please don't be frightened and run away, I'm not going to tell you that I hear voices that tell me to mix special Kool*Aid.

But I do have dreams and prophetic 'pictures', if you will.

Sometimes those things alert me that something Very Bad is coming. Sometimes it is waaay off. In many situations, I just have a 'sense' about things. I shouldn't have tried to explain this via blog. Now you are scared of me.

Let's just move on, shall we?

Well, given that bad omens sometimes are followed by bad events, I have an ear out for superstitious lingo. I'm the one at the party who is attempting to appear as if she is not listening to the people gossipping behind her. I look like I'm not bothered by the black cat that walks across the crack in the sidewalk and then breaks a mirror. But inside I feel just a leetle bit uneasy.

It is dumb, I'm sure. I would like to make all that go away. But I can't.

I'm superstitious.

So please understand that I'm being totally serious and 100% honest when I divulge to you this secret. It has been bothering me for a few years, and lately the facts are just racking up against me in a manner not unlike a snowball down a mountain.

I am a bad luck charm.

Don't roll your eyes, I'm baring my soul to you.

The evidence is there. I'll give you a few examples. These are rated G. Otherwise you would really be afraid of me.

1. I was pregnant and really wanted some pancakes. We were out of eggs, so Aus and I hopped in the car and drove down the ghetto to the mini-mart. We bought one of those halfpacks of eggs and a few other items and then headed back home for a breakfast feast of pancakes and coffee. I was sitting in the passenger seat, holding our recent purchases and looking out the window at all the beautiful Phoenix dirt.

I had a very strange thought that came from nowhere. I thought to myself, 'hey, wouldn't it be totally weird if I cracked this egg and then instead of eggyolk, blood poured out?'

And then, as I do with many thoughts, I tossed it out as being completely odd and altogether too embarrassing to admit to anyone else.

We arrived at our little casa de amour and Austin busied himself with the coffee making while I began the pancake process. I measured the mix, poured the oil, and heated the griddle. Then I cracked the eggs.

Plop! Egg number one made a river in the mountain of flour.

Plop! Egg number two fell into the bowl, creating a mess of red streaks.

It took me a minute to realize that the egg had indeed deposited blood into the bowl of batter.

I was incredulous. I reluctantly told Austin that I had 'what-iffed' the situation, and did he think that I could make that happen?

I don't remember what he said. I was seeing red. And I was still hungry from the lack of pancakes.

2. My dad has always had problems with wrist watches. (As opposed to night watches or terror watches)

I thought it was crazy that he claimed his body made watch batteries run fast. He would have to buy batteries once a month to insure that his watch would run properly. And if he forgot...well, his tardiness for appointments would speak for itself. As time passed, his watch then made the actual hands run fast, and the dates would whirl by. Seriously...would you believe that? Well, I never ever ever wear a watch. I go through phases when I will, but generally they make my wrist feel claustrophobic. But for my recent trip to London, I thought a watch would be a rather good idea. So I took the very cool Fossil watch that Austin got me for my birthday a few years ago. Again...I wear this sporadically and have never had to replace a battery or do anything to it except update the time when Daylight Savings occurs.

I don't remember when it started happening, but a couple days in, my watch stayed very very still while resting on the dresser. So still, in fact, that I had nothing to conclude but that it had given up. It had ticked its last.

And then I would put it on...and it would TICK! Take it off....nothing. Put it on....TICK! Not enough to keep the time, but still....weird, right?

This strange electromagnetic field helped me deduce what was going on in my house. And thus, we progress to number 3.

3. We don't have internet service at our house. We piggyback off the neighbor's service. Austin occasionally has problems getting the service to work just right, but rarely. Me? It is more of a surprise when the internet works for me. That would just be annoying, but the thing that is eerie is that Austin can be looking at his e-mail and if I walk past the computer, IT GOES AWAY! I actually have the power to turn off the internet. Sometimes it is kind of funny...and other times not. If he is trying to show me something or if the kids are playing a game online, I'll walk over and then POOF! it is erased.

Similar to this is the DVD player in the kids' room. (Yes, I know it rots their brains. It also keeps them quiet so I can sit and eat bonbons and do my nails) Anyways, the player has a short in it, or something of that nature. The sound goes away. Guess what fixes it? ME! I walk into the room and the sound comes back. I walk out and it instantly goes away. It doesn't work when anyone else leaves or enters, and it isn't the need for someone or something to stand directly in front of the player. It

I haven't included the truly strange or compelling reasons why I am a bad luck charm. Probably because the bloody eggs and swarm of electromagnetic field around my person are strange enough to be dealing with. But my years are positively peppered with weird things like this. One time as I approached the location for a wedding I thought to myself....'I would rather go to dinner with my sister and brother-in-law. I hope this thing isn't long. Better yet, I wish it would just be canceled'. No sooner had the thought flitted into my guilty head when I arrived at the door to have the groom's mother tell me that there would be no wedding. It had been called off. Yikes.

It would be normal or strangely coincidental if it didn't happen almost every day.

I urge you to think long and hard about being my friend. I can control your pacemaker. I make chicken fetuses bleed.

I am a bad luck charm.

Let me know if you need my services. I am available for weddings, pancake breakfasts, and other events. Just don't call me on Halloween. I'll be too busy eating three pounds of potatoes.

1 comment:

Beth McDermott said...

1. really? you dont hear the voices about the kool aide sometimes? huh.

2. ok, have we ever talked about this? i swear i always WANT to blog it... but am always too afraid people will start calling me wikka and i'll loose my daycare business... but i too believe i possess a 'gift.' maybe its just a womanly intuition... but whatever it is, its there. also... i get dreams. alot. that happen the next day in real life. aaaand, maybe im taking it a step too far when i say... i knew anna nicole smith was going to die... when i heard the news, I was so confused because it was such a strong feeling i thought it had already happened. weird, i know.
3. im reading "the secret" right now... as in, the Oprah show. I know, judge all you want... maybe Im going to hell, and i dont put stock in the new age insanity above the gospel truth i know to be in the center of my soul... but it talks about the stuff youre talking about here... and since you always talk about what a worrier you are you should read it and see what the secret keepers have to say about your 'bad luck charminess.' interesting perspective.
which brings us to 4. since you posted on being a bad luck charm, it seems fitting to tell you a funny thing that happened during your visit. i almost blogged it after you left, but i didnt want you or steph to feel bad because it really wasnt anyones fault, just a series of unfortunate events... so anyways... the short version is... i asked steph to keep our cat since i was gathering that austin was so allergic and you were concerned... and the damn cat jumped off a high ledge in steph's living room in her house of all wood floors and in steph's words she 'didnt land like a cat...' as in just splatted all over the floor... came home with a leg dragging on the floor behind her... the vet told me the next day she had dislocated her hip and the surgery she needed only works 50% of the time... i said how much, he said $250, i stupidly told him go ahead... but then somehow when i went to get her they had charged me $375... guess it was all the drugs and bandaging and stuff, whatev... anyway... she still limps around everywhere i dont think the surgery was completely successful, she was supposed to have her bandage on for 2 weeks but it only lasted 2 days... she doesnt seem miserable or anything, or not any more than usual anyways... so... im thinking were just gonna have a gimp of a cat for all eternity. put that in your bad luck pipe and smoke it! ;)